Throughout evolution, being part of a group has always been in our best interest. Belonging to a group increased our chances of survival, providing greater access to resources and protection from danger compared to being alone.

Although we no longer face the same survival pressures as our ancestors, our instinct to belong to a group persists. It is no surprise, then, that no one enjoys feeling left out. Here we explore some of the reasons why we are so averse to exclusion and offers suggestions for coping when you find yourself feeling left out.

Written by Nadine Seif, BSc, Assistant Psychologist, Sloane Court Clinic

Whether or not you feel justified in your reaction, it is natural to experience that sinking feeling when you realise you’ve been intentionally excluded or overlooked. Although the intensity of this feeling varies from person to person, you might find yourself experiencing one or more of the following emotions:

• Feeling rejected. Even when exclusion is accidental or a misunderstanding, it is often perceived as a form of rejection. Evolution aside, this can trigger thoughts about what you might have done to warrant such treatment, leading to anxiety and a dip in social confidence. Dr Jennifer O'Connell, Clinical Psychologist at SCC, adds that “feelings of anger might also bubble up, with thoughts such as ‘this is not fair’ or ‘I don’t deserve to be treated this way’”. As she insightfully points out, "Sometimes it might be more protective to feel angry than to connect to the hurt of feeling left out.”

• Feeling left behind or forgotten. Close relationships naturally ebb and flow over time and adjusting accordingly can be challenging. “Life changes like having a child, moving to a new area, or starting a new job can shift priorities and available time”, comments Dr O’Connell. “This can lead to growing apart from people who were once close. The distance and lack of shared experiences can make it harder to maintain previous relationships, sometimes creating a sense of disconnection.”

• Feeling like you have wasted time and effort. All relationships require investment, whether it is building trust or being mindful of your friends’ needs. When a relationship fades, it can feel like your efforts were a waste, but this is not true. Each relationship teaches us something valuable, and there are good memories that may outlast the friendship itself.

• Feeling disheartened. It can be really disappointing to feel that a relationship isn’t what you believed it to be. You may feel foolish for not realising sooner, but everything is much clearer in hindsight and some self-compassion is crucial in these moments. Confusion about when things shifted or whether you misjudged the friendship can also arise. Anger or resentment may develop towards those who didn’t hold your friendship in the same regard. People naturally expect their close friends to seek them out, so any doubts about this can be disheartening.

Overall, it is important to acknowledge and validate any emotions that arise when you feel left out. Allow yourself to experience these feelings, knowing they will eventually pass. It can also be helpful to give people who have earned it, the benefit of the doubt. This is where the distinction between being left out and feeling left out is important. The former refers to an intentional exclusion, while the latter is a subjective interpretation in which you believe you have been excluded on purpose. Recognising this subtle difference can help navigate a more appropriate response.

When you feel left out, it might be helpful to consider that this may have been unintentional. Perhaps the person organising the outing assume someone else would tell you or that you wouldn’t be interested. Sometimes, group gatherings happen spontaneously, and it may be a coincidence that one person is left out. In cases like this, openly speaking to your friends, especially if this behaviour is out of character, can help you gain some clarity.

However, if you are certain that you are being left out intentionally, it might be helpful to gently reflect on why this could be happening and explore any underlying reasons with yourself or someone you trust. At the same time, it could be valuable to reach out to other friends who make you feel good about yourself and, shifting your focus towards fostering those friendships instead.

Acknowledging how daunting this can be, Dr O’Connell notes, “building new friendships takes time to develop and thrive, as trust and connection grow gradually through shared experiences.” She reassuringly adds, “Reconnecting with or deepening existing relationships can often happen more quickly, as there is already a foundation of familiarity, trust and history to build upon. Nurturing these connections can provide a sense of comfort and stability while new friendships are still evolving.”

If you have decided to take a step back from anyone, try to think about what you have learned from the friendship. It may help to remind yourself that you have been a good friend and will continue to be one to others. This mindset is important in preventing you from feeling your time and effort has been wasted feeling and will maintain your social confidence. While this is easier said than done, it is achievable with time and practice.

If you are old enough to be reading this article, you have likely felt left out at least once in your life. Sadly, that was probably not the last time. Understanding that there may be an innate basis for why it is hard to “just move on” can offer some comfort when validating your emotions feels difficult. Before jumping to conclusions, try to invite a discussion with those who excluded you. This can either provide reassurance that no harm was intended or help you recognise that it’s time to focus your energy on other relationships.