How can past experiences shape the way we feel about people in the present?

In this video, we explore transference and countertransference, two concepts that can help us understand what happens within the therapeutic relationship.

The discussion explains how emotional memories from early relationships can influence our expectations and reactions later in life, sometimes without us realising. It also considers how a clinician’s emotional responses during an appointment may offer insight into feelings a client is finding difficult to recognise or express.

By exploring these reactions together, therapy can create space to understand where feelings come from and how they relate to our experiences today.

Have you ever come away from a conversation wondering why it upset you quite so much? Sometimes the way we feel with someone in the present is shaped by what we learnt to expect from people in the past. In this video, we explore how this can show up in therapy, and how noticing what happens between you and your therapist can help you understand your feelings.

What is transference?

As children, we learn what to expect from the people around us. If the adults in our lives were dependable, it may feel natural to give someone new the benefit of the doubt. If we often had to be alert to criticism or anger, we might find ourselves bracing for it again, even before we know how the other person will respond.

Transference describes how feelings and expectations from earlier relationships can carry over into a relationship today, often without us realising it. In therapy, for example, you might notice yourself choosing your words carefully because you expect your therapist to be critical. Talking about that expectation can help you make sense of where it comes from and how it affects you in other relationships.

What is countertransference?

Countertransference is a term for the emotional responses a therapist notices in themselves during their work with someone. In the video, the speaker gives the example of feeling a strong sense of sadness while listening to someone describe an experience. That feeling might prompt the therapist to wonder whether there is sadness in the experience that has been difficult for the person to feel or put into words.

A therapist can reflect on where their response might be coming from and, if it feels helpful, gently share what they have noticed. That might sound like, ‘I felt quite sad hearing you describe that. I wonder what it was like for you.’ This gives you room to say what fits for you and to explore feelings you may have had little space for before.

Both ideas draw attention to what happens in the room. The feelings that come up as you talk, as well as the experiences you talk about, can help you understand how you relate to other people and what you expect from them.