We regularly hear things like “he’s a total narcissist,” or “that’s textbook avoidant attachment” in the media or in day-to-day conversations. Perhaps without realising it, psychological terms have made their way into casual language. This is beneficial for raising awareness of mental health conditions but can pose a few issues when they are misused.

Though there are many examples of psychological terms that have infiltrated colloquial discourse, here we will consider just three: gaslighting, triggering (or being triggered) and trauma bonding. Let’s start first with clarifying what these mean.

Written by Nadine Seif BSc, Assistant Psychologist, Sloane Court Clinic

Gaslighting – This is when one person manipulates or denies another person’s reality for their own gain. This works by consistently planting self-doubt, as a form of gaining power and control. Repeatedly making someone second guess their perception of reality reduces their confidence and ability to trust their judgement and is therefore considered a form of emotional abuse.

This manipulative behaviour is often observed between partners in abusive relationships but can feature in any kind of relationship e.g. parent-child, siblings, professional relationships, or even friendships. Examples of gaslighting include questioning someone’s memory despite knowing they remember correctly, denying something that did happen ever happened or telling someone reacting appropriately that they are overreacting.

Because this word has become so commonly used, some people now use it to avoid confrontation or conflict by accusing the other person of gaslighting them. Although this is one way to shut down an uncomfortable conversation, it is not the correct way to use the term. Being called out for something that you have done or someone recounting their version of events that may differ to yours is not the same as gaslighting.

Triggering – Something that triggers someone causes an extreme emotional reaction, usually due to them remembering a traumatic experience and their feelings at the time. This is a nervous system response and is beneath conscious awareness, causing dysregulation in a person. This could be a reaction of fear, upset, anger, panic or any other emotion. Triggers can be anything from a sensory stimulus like a smell, a sound, an image or sight or a taste to a physical sensation. Reading or hearing about a story that includes any of the above can also act as a psychological trigger. Whatever it is, a trigger can cause extreme distress and can be debilitating to those experiencing them, especially when unexpected.

Triggers are often discussed in the context of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) but can apply to any mental health condition and are specifically related to a response which causes a level of emotional dysregulation.

Like gaslighting, this word may also be used to get out of uncomfortable discussions where people feel cornered or put on the spot. Having an argument or feeling singled out can be upsetting but is markedly different to experiencing a traumatic flashback as a result.

The inaccurate and overuse of “feeling triggered” has led some people to believe that those who truly are triggered by things are overly sensitive and minimises the very real turmoil they experience. Someone who feels extreme panic from loud sounds may feel angry that the same words used to describe their debilitating experience, is being by someone who is finding a conversation irritating.

Trauma bonding – This term has most commonly been used to describe the shared experience of a “traumatic” situation creating a stronger bond between the two victims of it. In fact, trauma bonding is not that at all; it is a trauma response to abuse in which the victim forms a connection or a “bond” with their abuser.

The most well-known version of trauma bonding is Stockholm Syndrome, where a person usually held captive begins to rationalise the actions of their captor and develops positive feelings towards them. This definition is very different to the “trauma bonding” used to describe things like friends who experience a delayed flight together and form a deeper connection as a result.

“Trauma bonding can involve tactics such as manipulation, control, threats of harm, shaming, gaslighting, and sabotage. It can also involve moments of calm and displays of affection which is why it can be confusing for people in trauma bonded relationships to identify they are in one”, notes Dr Omara Naseem, Clinical Psychologist at SCC. While the overuse of the other two terms can take away from the experience of those the term really applies to, the complete misuse of this term means that it can be more difficult to identify a situation where trauma bonding is present and subsequently act.

Highlighting the role trauma bonding can play in toxic relationships and the importance of seeking help, Dr Naseem describes it as a “key feature in narcissistic relationships. People do find healing in therapy, which provides education and helps to identify toxic patterns.” In the vein of maintaining hope if this is your current situation, she continues, “This then leads to increased self-awareness and an ability to form healthier and fulfilling relationships. These types of relationships can cause extreme harm to a person’s self-esteem and overall well-being therefore it is important to know that therapy can help and developing healthier relationships is possible.”

Dr Soumitra Burman Roy, Consultant Psychiatrist at SCC comments thoughtfully, “If you feel you are truly experiencing any of the above, it can be a very confusing time and others’ misuse of these terms shouldn’t deter you from seeking help.” He continues, “Particularly in the case of being gaslit, it is easy to fall into the trap of falsely attributing intention to someone’s behaviour. For this reason, getting another person’s take on a situation means you do not have to navigate it alone and it may help temper your response. This doesn’t necessarily need to be a professional mental health practitioner, but drawing on the support of trusted friends or family can have a profoundly positive impact on your wellbeing.”

With this in mind, we should all think about how frequently we use these words and where their use might not actually be applicable. Using psychological terms to describe what are ultimately day to day situations, can be minimising and invalidating to those who really experience them.

As with trauma bonding, it’s meaning being completely changed in popular culture may lead to confusion and stop people from getting help where needed. Making sure everyone is clear on definitions protects both the people experiencing these phenomena, and those who may unknowingly find themselves misusing these terms in conversation.